4th anniversary

i still remember the clothes i wore exactly four years ago (07-11-05) i still remember that i kept telling myself that there was no turning back. that my life is going to change forever (maybe this sounds so dramatic)

and i never regret coming here. never ever. i've met wonderful people, i've made wonderful friends (and enemies), i've been involved (sometimes as one of the organisers) in wonderful events, i've discovered awesome songs and awesome things, i've come to know much more (and thus know that i know so little) about the world, i've found love (true and not), and i've found myself.

the first a level paper is 3 days away and the last is 23 days away. then the contract will be over. and thinking about it makes me sad. i guess i have to say goodbye to kushi and priyanka because they might not be coming back at all. that's probably what will make me the saddest.

today should have been a day on which i contemplate about the wonderful four years. but now is the time to study (though last night i re-read the god delusion by richard dawkins, telling myself that it could help me prepare for gp)

how wonderful it is if: i can be involved in a humanitarian project to help the unfortunate fellow human beings in parts of the world such as darfur, rwanda, ethiopia, or maybe my own country.

how wonderful it is if: my blog ceases to be so self-centred and instead i post things that are relevant and helpful to many others. but how? and do i have time for that

how wonderful it is if: i'm famous and can use my fame like how bono and angelina jolie use theirs: to help people

how wonderful it is if: i can write songs like freddie mercury did.

how wonderful it is if: i can get 5 A's and treat all my beloved friends to celebrate it. if i have the money to treat all of them (anderson+sc friends, boyle & gladys, the guys, sa juniors, cedar juniors, hockey friends, classmates, etc, etc, etc)

how wonderful it is if: .......

i thought i would have a hard time thinking about what i would say if i were given three wishes. at some points of time i think i'm entirely happy with what i have in this world. well, actually i am for now. but at some other points of time all the negative things in the world appear to be so overwhelming and frustrating that i want to kill myself.

and in those times i felt that i needed you. now i don't even know whether you're still alive. and coincidentally, i never feel that way anymore now. but still i wonder where the hell are you.

in Zee Deveel from the album a crow left in the murder, brandon boyd sings, "be careful of what you wish for, 'cause everyone of us has the devil inside"

very true indeed.

how wonderful it is if: i would study NOW

what goes on

i don't feel like keeping quiet anymore because it keeps annoying me. but if i say that my reason is that there is a limit to one's patience, that's not a good excuse. it's not that i'm afraid. maybe i am afraid of losing my cool.

i have a few enemies. very few. if people dislike me, it's not my loss, it's not my problem. it's their problem. whatever they do or say won't affect me. even if it does, it will affect me in a good way. so thanks.

sometimes i wonder why does anyone have to dislike anyone else (the sentence sounds weird but you know what i mean) really. why give hate a chance. maybe i sound hypocritical here. whatever. but really if there is no strong reason for hating someone (patrick wong gives people good reasons to hate him) why should one hate others. i don't understand. i don't understand that goddamn piece of shit.

i was slacking the whole sunday. or probably the whole goddamn weekend. god damn me. but i didn't go for the mount faber outing. it seems that they really had fun! too bad i missed it.

created some stupid blasphemous jokes with priyanka and adelyn. have been spending time with pri and kushi a lot these days. did some stupid prank to adrian just now. he was pissed. should be studying more seriously because it's only 9 days away.

perhaps econs is the only thing i'm really afraid of now.

perhaps i need an mp3 player with a bigger capacity. my bro and i have had almost all the uk version of studio recordings of the beatles. we're left with Magical Mystery Tour and Yellow Submarine (not sure whether i'm getting the latter) just got Rubber Soul. probably it's my favourite among the 12 or 13 or 11 records. together with Beatles For Sale. or With The Beatles or Please Please Me. or maybe i like all the earlier records.

anyway

i was wrong to say that. i was being emotional. maybe the correct way to put it is that sometimes i lose my sensibility when i talk to you because we're being too open to each other that it brings out our emotional selves. it happens to me and i think it does to you too.

i'm glad that you called again and we talked again and everything's ok again. i still have to learn. there's a time for that, i'm sure. and maybe i still love you. like i love anyone else. like i love the lost person. i love the past, that's for sure because i don't try to erase the traces of it.

that wednesday jillian said about those three words being so overrated. or rather, cheap. i agree. but i still do say those. but i mean most things i say (unless i have to pretend. i used to refuse to pretend, but now i realise sometimes we have to pretend. i mean, why do we have to hurt someone's feelings when we don't want to and we don't have to)

love. what's love. the word is too often used wrongly that some stop believing in it.

lately i've been listening to Spain by Chick Corea because hana also likes it and i was so excited when i found out that she does. i don't expect her to listen to a fusion song. it's just brilliant.

when i listened to Hey Joe it gave me a chill. Jimi is that good! i was waiting for the train that took me to dhoby ghaut on friday. i had my stupid haircut (which lisa thinks is cute) and spent so much money on rubber soul, led zeppelin (boyle's order), a hard day's night tee, and yet another pair of brazilian praia (black and yellow)

now playing: In My Life by the Beatles. my dad's favourite. didn't really like it but i LOVE IT so much now.

promise?

i think i'm better off without you. now i know why i am happier than i was earlier this year. i realised it often and always forgot my realisation. but now i know, now i know.

once i told luiza i wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a taxi driver. so dumb right.

what i want to be now: a musician, a mercenary, a politician, a chef, a teacher.

inspired by: freddie mercury, brandi carlile, mike stern, george harrison, bob dylan, david gates, and many more great musicians, beatrix kiddo aka black mamba aka the bride in kill bill, quentin tarantino, gp lessons, timothy foo thiam sin, ratatouille.

anyway, i got a small poster which i really like from mrs quek the deputy principal of sajc on mcnair farewell dinner. what's written there:

PROMISES TO MYSELF

by Christian Larson

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

breakaway

haha alice i'm not a big fan of pictures on my own blog. well maybe i should put some. tapi gw emang jadi orang sangat bacot. (i love talking so much. i prefer writing bullshits to uploading a picture which supposedly says a thousand words. i wanna do the talking) heehee i miss writing in indon.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER SZECINDYO CHEWANDI NJOTO! :) we all love you! the celebration was quite banal (whipped cream, cake smashing cliche shit, whatever) i wish we had celebrated it (and other birthdays) in a more 'meaningful' way. not saying that what we've always been doing is meaningless though. i do enjoy it.

A Levels are only 14 days away and what am i doing. but i've been studying in the canteen for hours today (or rather, yesterday)

that piece of shit just can't stop bothering me after all. i wish i could just flush it away. but i'm much better than that.

abo and amelia are still working their asses off on their written reports. i wish them well. my pw wasn't merely a piece of shit. it was liquid shit.

i'm so glad that you talked to me again yesterday. that old piece of my life which i thought i had lost forever wasn't gone after all.

there's not much going on nowadays. i should expect so. because the first paper is only 14 days away from now.

this comfortable (or indifferent? i don't know) point of time in this year has become rather boring.

i miss my classmates. i miss luiza especially! haha.

i still miss that missing piece.

lately i put song titles as my post titles. and most of the time there is no link between the title and the content. after all this blog is just full of senseless ranting which is not worth reading. gosh. how mundane can this reflection of my life be.

till it happens to you

corinne bailey rae is great too!

bread is my favourite soft rock band now. air supply is second to them.

make it with you, everything i own, if (their most well-known song), aubrey, and guitar man are so sweet and they are so brilliantly written. i want to write songs like david gates. i'm so gonna buy the best of bread!

i slept at around 23:45 last night, woke up at 2:20, went to toilet around 4 or 5 times within one hour and kept turning on my bed for 3 hours while 'writing' the melody for my nicest song (at first i wanted to model it after muse's starlight or l'arc-en-ciel's hitomi no jyuunin but i decided to do it in the style of mraz's beautiful mess or led zep's since i've been loving you) and decided that it was a very stupid and useless thing to do so i got up and went to the canteen and started doing maths and playing songs on my laptop and going online until now. i need to sleep!

lately i feel like writing songs. there are a few songs that are so brilliant which i wish i had been the writer. stairway to heaven (now playing) is great but i never feel that way about that song. usually i feel this way about queen's songs and motown/soul ballads.

exam period is not exactly the best time to write songs because you'd feel guilty, you should be studying instead of writing. but i don't know why i feel quite inspired lately. i need a co-writer. i need partners in music my bro is too rock-oriented. he hates acoustic guitar music :/ i guess i've had the singer and the drummer already. but life here is too hectic it's so hard to get together in a band without a particular performance to practice for :(

turpentine

i should be studying! i woke up at 12 and went online until now.

the future of sajc girls hockey team seems to be so bleak. how many people have quit.

there are a few musicians, or rather, songs which are not so well known but deserve to be

Brandi Carlile! sinyee told me about this hot girl who sings pop/country with her amazing voice and she has made me less prejudiced against country music. she's really a good songwriter/performer/singer. i understand why she doesn't get into the mainstream because her music is just too countryish for young people, i feel, but her music is real. it is a relief to know that nowadays some musicians are still devoted to this kind of music instead of the crappy, talentless mainstream songs we hear on the radio. recommended tracks: The Story, Turpentine, Wasted.

i just got her third album yesterday, Give Up The Ghost. i should have bought The Story instead but it's not really bad at all.

Slow Club! you should listen to their live version of Christmas TV on youtube.

Eddi Reader's Kiteflyer Hill (i discovered this on ted.com)

yesterday i also bought Givin' It Up by George Benson & Al Jarreau too. not that impressive but i always like his jazz guitar and the soft jazz groove.

life's quite boring, i want to make music and be famous!!! hahaha

cos we're living in a world of fools, breaking us down

i won. hahaha

yesterday, or rather, two days ago was mcnair farewell dinner. it was quite boring. drank a large can of strong beer and i got knocked out (hana and amelia helped me walk back to the room, i puked in the toilet, i had a hangover which got worse after i did physics paper 1). adelyn carey and shaowen drank lighter stuffs. like i said, the way i behave (the retardedness and lameness. graci said i'm the overall top scorer for both) when i'm drunk is no different from the way i behave when i'm not. but i would blurt out my secrets. that's what's different. hahaha. gosh it was so embarrassing but i always embarrass myself in almost all kind of circumstances so it doesn't matter much

it's gonna be my last booze before A's (i said this after asean dance and after my birthday)

this time i promise! hahaha

oh anyway now i'm on talking terms again with shaowen. good. well, like i said to her over and over again she was the one who refused to talk to me. haha.